BeLLe & Kiddy FianTi

Haiz... Life itself is complicated isn't it... Never easy. I wonder how our long long long long long long ancestors make it... When I say long ancestors,I mean like those during the stoneage and iceage period. Do they have problems that we have now... hmm.... wonder wonder wonder...

And my life...? There's always complications. One after another, those who know me quite well, u'd prolly know wat I'm talking abt... I have great family & relatives, great frens, a stable job, everything is good for me. But when it comes to men, I've got nothing to say. I'm not the type to "buat perangai" when being in a relationship (again, some of you might know that, esp mum dearest...) but one can never last long for me.

I can, tho, think of 3 main reasons why I can't stay long in a relationship :

1) My longest relationship ex BF, Vincent Wong, prolly cursed me when I really wanted to leave him. He then left singapore to join his family business in Kuching, Sarawak. And after Vincent, that's where all these strings of men come & go...

2) Not everyone can have the best of everything. I have the best when it comes to family, relatives, frens & etc... so I guess when it comes that special one, I can't have the best. Logic? or Nonsense?

3) Simple. Its not time yet for me to meet the right one.

But den how do we know if he's the right one for us or not? Do you LISTEN TO WAT OTHERS SAY ABT HIM? And so if we do listen, who should we or should NOT listen to? So I know, it its ur very best fren who told you (bcos he or she know him before). But wat if it's someone who you donno at all, but claimed that she knows him, and knows alot abt him. And wat do u if ur in that situation? How do u know which is right and which is wrong? When u have doubts, do u still go ahead and test market? If u don't, wt does it mean? Does it mean that u trust the person who's trying to warn you and not the one dat u trying to get to know? Is it fair for the latter? And if u want to test market afterall, are u really prepared for wats gonna happen?

I guess the decision lies in ur own hands. And also on the fact, whether ur someone with guts to take risk, or the type "better be safe den sorry..."

Life is about taking chances. Right? Or it is better to be safe? One can't stop you from making the decision. They can give u opinions. But not make the choice for u, bcos ur the one living with the choice, not them.

There are the pros & cons for each decision that you make. Of cos if u wanna be safe, u would only miss wat might have been a great ride for u. God created one for one (haha!) so if we pass the one thats meant for us, will we get another one along the way? And if there is someone else along the way, how do we know that he is the one and how do we know if the latter one is better or worse den the one that we passed on.

And if u were to choose to take the chance, and be with him despites warnings, wat can gurantee dat he will be the one for u? Wat if he hurts u alot, he controls ur life & u still hold on bcos u love him, and at the end of the day, u still marry him? Does that mean he's the one for u? Or are u holding on, BCOS U THINK he's the one for you & ur afraid that if u were to let go, u won't be able to find someone better. And even if u realise that he's not the one for u, would u be able to let go & move, taking it as an experience, addition to ur practical knowledge cos sumtime we learn things the hard way.

At the end of the day, its u who make the choice. And at the end of the day, u have to remember that life is not abt regretting the choices that u make. For every wrong move or choice that u make, take it as a mistake, admit it, learn it & don't repeat it. Never regret it cause u would have not known otherwise. Right or wrong, we live it, and move on, with or without the choice that we make. Because that is life, and we learn thru life itself. Watever that we learn from our mistakes, use it as a guideline. Everything happens for a good reason, and u may not understand why it happened at the point of time. But maybe 10 yrs later, it will occur to u why it happened, and only den will u understand.

Make a choice. Live it. No regrets.

I've made mine. Just waiting to live it hoping with no regrets.

:::B.e.L.L.e:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

:::YOUR LOST IS MY GAIN. ITS MY TURN NOW:::

Someone who Fie used to date a lot previously, somehow managed to get access to my frenster profile. She's not in my list of frens, and only my frens can view my pics and profile. I guess she managed to see my profile thru somone else's who happened to be my fren. So this darling chic took my picture of me & Eddy together, approached Fie and send the pic to Fie. Haiz, Fie told me wat she did just for the sake of telling me, but I guess he was surprised to see that I had flared up. All this while, when she calls or sms Fie, I dun give a damn. Becos watever happened between them is strictly just the two of them. But going into my profile, taking my pic, sending it over to Fie? Wat was that all about? Trying to show Fie wat I've been up to? Haiz, Fie shud be the one angry & frustrated but somehow, Fie was trying his best to "pujuk" me bcos I was so angry that she did that. Nasib baik sayang nye pasal, kalau tak, dah lepaskan geram seh kat Fie...

Patience... Men can be such jerks... but women? When we start to bitch, its worse den being the worse jerk ard.

Let me whisper... I love you...

:::In Love With Two:::

I know both guys have access to this blog. And I know that I risk losing either one, or maybe even both of you by witing in this blog.

Fie, I love you my dear. Eddy, I love you more den I love Fie. Mayb its becos wat we shared was out of the ordinary. Fie, I'm loving you more and more. You're giving me all that Eddy has never given me.

And this is where it stops. I can't seem to go with the flow with Fie, bcos I know that Eddy still loves me. And I can't seem to go back with Eddy, bcos I am happy with Fie.

Love. Or Happiness.

As I'm thinking abt wat exactly I shud write in this blog, I'm thinking abt all the pros and cons of each choice that I were to make. Ppl always say, follow your heart. My heart says Eddy. But I don't have the confidence anymore, Eddy. You think that you were there for me all the time. Look and think back hard Eddy. Were you there whenever I needed you? I understand that you need to work most of the time. But once ur done working, you'll be too tired to meet. We only meet once a week dear, tu pun susah nak jumpa. Yet, I agree, we spent more time on the phone, every day every night. But you have this habit of menghilangkan diri. SUmtimes, it could just be so difficult to know where u are, like a waiting game, for a call or sms from you. Yes, when we meet, we were prolly the most happiest couple on earth, no disgreements or arguements, forever laughing as if we are the only 2 on this surface of the earth. That is when we meet, which is only once a week. Den for the rest of the week, God knows wat you would be doing. Im not trying to say that all blame is on you. I admit, I crave for time that you can never afford to give me. I work office hours, and u are on 3-11 afternoon shift. I shud have understand more dat its not always easy for us to meet. I know that I obssessed when it comes to knowing where you are, whom you are with, But as a girlfriend, I figure that I have the right to know that. Correct me if I'm wrong Eddy, but you are afraid of commitment right?

Fie, I never knew that from the first time we meet, things would turn out this way. I had always see you as someone I can turn to whenever I'm feeling down from day one dat I know you. But slowly our friendship became sumthing else. And feelings developed. I do admit, dat there many times, when we are together, I think abt Eddy and the memories dat he and I had together. You were right when u say that I'm feeling 50-50 with you. I guess its bcos I still love Eddy. I'm grateful to you for being understanding and patient with me. When I think about us, I am sure that we can work things out between ourselves. We seem to understand each other very well, and we are the type who would focus a lot on each other's partners. I'm glad that none of us is pushing in our friendship/relationship. I know u still need time to really love someone. And I still need time to be sure of wat I want. We spent time together 5-6 days a week. We are happy most of the times, Yes we argue once in a while, but its normal for ppl to argue, and our arguements never last for more den an hour (gaduh ape sak tu..). I am convince that you are someone who can give the happiness that I need, the attention that I crave and the love that I longed for. Elders always tell me, "Untuk perempuan, carik lah lelaki yang sayang kan kiter lebih dari kiter sayangkan dier". I am sure you can do that. But right now, I'm just hoping that you won't give up soon. And I hope that we will get what we both are aiming for at this moment.

So happiness or love?

Haiz... I know wat I need, but wat I want is making all these complicated...

I donno wat time I start writing this blog. But as I'm done doing this, time is 2:59pm.

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

Hm... been seeing Fie more den I am seeing my family members now... somehow or rather, he always managed to find time to see or meet me. Mayb thats wat they call the "Honeymoon Period"... Masih baru2 nak kenal lah katakan. We may not be in a relationship but we really respect each other and thats one of the reasons why I really like him.

My doctor, hasn't spent more den 5 minutes for both times that he stepped into the clinic. Wait, I think its 3 times. Yup, 3 times... So I did nothing much, as usual... 90% of the time today Im doing nothin... well, asalkan gaji masuk... Amin.

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

I've been out on dates... many times... And those nights that I've spent.. the beach walks, the top view of Singapore (Mount Faber), parks... the list goes on... It might sound the same all the time, but when ur there with someone special, everything else is different.

Fi, he has brought me to many places since day one we went out. True, most of the nights we might just be sitting under my void deck, talking shit till early morning... But other den those times, there were nights at the beach restaurant upon the moonlight... View from Kentridge Park (awesome view from both locations)... Those were breath taking... Until last night...

He didn't tell me where we were going, only saying that we were going to "City of Angels"... I never knew if there's such a place in Singapore. Plus, I never watched the movie "City of Angels" (Nicholas Cage & Meg Ryan) before, so he hinting to me "City of Angels" didn't help me at all. Until he parked his bike near these semi-detached houses on Cairnhill. I was lost... den he led the way.. walking on pavements... den onto the grasses, den I saw where we going... he climbed on top of this boulder, offered his to help me up.... and there I was standing over the tunnel of CTE. It was... I donno... It may seemed dumb, or normal, to be looking on cars buzzing pass u below... but being there... sitting on top of the tunnel, ur legs hanging... its a place where I know many ppl may have gone to... but it was a first time for me. And it was sumthing vry different, from all the previous dates that I've been with, whether its with Fie or other guys... It was special...

Oh so special... Thanks Fie.

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

My dearest Eddy, here I am trying to move on, letting you go since that was wat you badly wanted from me. To let you go. Den why are you telling me all these? Why are you telling me wat you're feeling, what you're going thru...? You yang dah tak nak dgn I, tapi it seems as if ur the one who needs to let me go. I want to move on Eddy, u know how much misery you caused me all these while. I want to be happy, but it seems that you don't allow me to be happy. You know that it is difficult for me to get rid of you from this heart, so is that why you keep onbothering me? Its ok kalau u setakat msg2 those normal everyday things. But to tell me that you still love me? Thats not normal, esp from someone who says that "we can never be together.."

Fi is never your replacement, but he's always there for me.He cares for me more den u ever did. He tries to be the best for me, even without me asking him to. I may not love him as much now, as I loved you. But I want and I will love him more one day. But its not gonna be easy if you keep on bothering me. Kalau u rasa, kiter dah takde jodoh seperti mane u katakan, den lepas kan I, seperti mane u mati2 nak I lepaskan u. I deserve to be happy. I dun have to wait till u hv found someone else to love. Kalau u nak kiter berkawan biasa je, den lets limit it to just frens. Nothing more den dat.

If you have anything else to say, might as well say it now.

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

This is a continuation of my previous entry.

Due to bad weather, and unforseen circumstances, the appointment to meet up with J was delayed. But not long. Our Buddies, aka BFFL, consist of 5 of us girls, and 4 of us were present including my victimised buddy and urs truly. As planned my buddy met up with him at a blk near her house, whereas the rest of us (3girls & fi), were waiting at the next blk. After anxiously waiting, I rcvd the green light from my buddy (lets call her L) to proceed. I took a ride with Fi to the next carpark, while the other 2 girls walked. When Fi & I were approaching the blk, J was already looking, that got me more nervous, and I even tot abt backing out. But fi told me, I've gone this far, I might as well do it. I waited for the other 2 girls to reach where I was, den I proceeded... I had already took off my helmet, and he already had this look on his face... I continued smiling... hehe (Im giggling to myself as Im typing this). J was like, "eh nonoi, u pun tinggal sini..?" He was even more surprised when I sat down together with them. Den my first line was, "Aku dah kenal L 15 tahun..." More shockness in his face... Small world indeed... Told him that I want to get straight to the point, and told him to leave my girl alone. Wat had happend between me & him was our past, and I don want L to go thru the same shit. After giving him my lecture, and making sure that he understood wat I had wanted him to understand, I stood up and left the two of them to have their final talk. They talked for another 15 mins or so, den L came to us, and we had our big group hug...

I'm glad we were all there for each other whenever shit happens to any of us. Our bond of 15 years is not sumthing easy that u can get when making a new fren. J had got a good one from me and L, and I dun think he would be calling or contacting L in any ways now. Im glad that this is over for L. I've been busy blogging abt my darling frens... mayb now I can blog abt myself now...

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

Someone from my bad past has re-enter into my life. Tho not directly into my life, but into the life of my buddy of 15 years.

This guy, lets call him J, has bn a jerk to me early this year, and slowly, wen I realised that he wasn't serious, I began to avoid & ignore him. Until one day I accidentally say out another guy's name, and he so call got the idea that I didn't want to be close to him anymore.

Now, months later, I got to know that my lil' sis, got to know this guy, and they were getting closer & closer each day. She has her own freedom and life to lead so I let her be. However, it wasn't till one day when I just happened to ask her for his name that I find the name familiar. Soon, we realised that her J and my J, stays at the same estate, has the same 2 bikes, works at the same company and the list of common things goes on. It was obvious that we are talking abt the same J.

If it was some girl fren of mine, I would prolly just advice her. But its my buddy!!! I love my buddies more den anything. Any guys, who wants one of us, will have to accept all 5 of us. I was kinda mad, at J, and of cos at my buddy too, bcos it takes 2 to clap. My buddy is of cos disappointed, she does like J, and well, J has been using the same sweet words on her that he had used on me before. We actually laughed when we realised that most of his tactics are still the same, from "you look so much like my ex" to the way he manja-ly called our names...

Well, the humor is there of cos, but tonight, we'll be confronting J. J had wanted to meet my buddy asap, he said he misses her so much, yikes! So Buddy will meet him first, somewhere near her place, and den she would call me as soon as he reached. I'll be with Fi tonight, so he will send me there once I rcv a call or sms from my buddy. I'm suppose to surprise J with my appearance... I would love to see his face tonight...

Watever the outcome for tonight will be revealed on Monday.

Nanti kan episod - Jantan nak menipu pompuan, akhir nye termakan tipu sendiri!!!!

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

Had some snacks with Fi at one of those by the beach restaurants at Pasir Ris. Lovely view, great ambience... It was nice... we sat from 7++ to 11++, after which we went for a short walk. Rcvd an sms from HIM. Haiz, wanted me to call him. I wanted to, but I can't, not bcos Fi was there, but bcos I am still weak. Part of me want to turn back to him, yet another part of me, I know I should move on. I ended up not calling him at all. My mood changed after that. I was quiet all the way till we reach his bike... dah pakai helmet semuer... and I was sitting on his seat. engine dah start. But i felt that I didnt want to go yet. So fi off the engine... and he actually put up with me... I started cracking jokes, and he layankan.. ended kiter dua2 were laughing so much kat carpark yg sunyi sepi tu... Kul 12.30 baru kiter gerak.

Suruh Fi bawak slow slow, tak sangka betul2 dier bawak slow seh.. even kat expressway dier bawak 60-70kph. He did it just so to make me smile. Smp bawah blk.. kiter duduk kat bawah tu... bual2 lagi... Den he asked me if I was happy today... recalled back the day's event, from the time that I found out that Eddy had editted my frenster profile, to the severe pains of my sickness, and to our nite... As I turned to Fi, I smiled, and said "yes I am very happy.." Indeed I was. Den we began counting the days that we've bn meeting... in 14 days, we've met on 10 of those days!! haha... too much ah...

Anyways, he left at after 1.30am, when his frens started msging him... and den smsed me till I sleep...

If only the one doing all the above was Eddy.

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

Time : 0958am

Jgn memandai-mandai say that I'm in love with someone else. If I really am, I can't be bothered updating this blogs abt you. You know that I would wait forever for you. But bcos u always emphasised, always making it a point for to understand that we can never be together. And now ur telling me that u cannot ask me to wait any longer. Sungguh aku tak paham. Sekejap u ckp can't be together, the next moment u said u tak nak I tunggu u lebih lame.Ape yg u nak sebenarnye? Ur confusion is making me confused. I'm giving Fi a chance, because he deserves one, and I deserve to be treated well, and be purely happy. U think its so easy for me to love another person and forget that u ever existed? Ur wrong Eddy. I'm not one to forget easily. What we had was more den beautiful, u know that so don't deny it. How can I force myself to forget sumthing that was so wonderful, so beautiful, and seemed so right at that moment? I can't simply do that. Dun assume that with Fi around me all the time, I never think of u. Thats bullshit. I should be thankful to Fi, bcos he has been very patient with me, he knows it whenever I start to think abt u, and he would listen to me readily, even if its abt me missing u. He never force me to forget abt u, always asking me to do it slowly, always there at the end of the day, everyday, just to make sure I'm moving on fine. And yet here I am,every night wondering and thinking you. Where are you? How are you and how was work? U probably think that I'm happily moving on without u by my side. I am happy I admit, but I am happier with you by my side. Mmg betul, I kekadang tak fikirkan u pasal Fi tolong I, tapi jgn anggap semuer nye dgn pertolongan Fi. Kata2 u yg masih melekat diingatan, yg menjadi dorongan besar for me to move on. Ur words "We cannot be together. Paham?!" still in my mind very vividly, as if I got it yesterday. Those words, words that hurt my fragile heart so much, I swallowed with my own pride. I use those words to keep on telling myself, no point for me to wait, no point for me suffer more. Those words played a huge character in my life. So don't ever think that I'm using another man to forget the man that I still love. Ur words, those simple but harsh words, are my drive to move on. Bukan u je yg paksa kan diri tak nak contact, I pun sama. Tak senang, tapi apekan daya, ni semuer kerana I masih sayangkan you Eddy. I can still choose to live in misery if u would let me wait for you tapi I harap u tau that ape yang I buat skr, utk melupakan u, segalanye I buat utk kehendakan u. Fahamkan lah tu semuer, dan jgn pernah sesekali fikir yang dalam masa ni, I dah tak sayangkan u lagi. I wish it was that easy, but it will never be easy.

:::BeLLe:::

Time : 1035am

Let me whisper... I love you...

I am truly disappointed that the one month deal is off. Now, I may not want it as much as I really did last week, but still I am utterly disappointed. U said u wanted the 1 mth badly as much as I do, bcos u missed me so much and u want to re-live the time we spent together before separating. And I tot that was why u stayed for the night with me at Ida's chalet last Fri. And now, after silence over 4 days, u r telling me that u spent the night with me bcos u wanted me be happy. If given a choice u said u would hv preferred to go back. Damn I asked u many times whether u want to stay for the night or go home. U kept on saying "tgk dulu, tgk dulu..." by 11plus, nak tgk ape lagi, ur staying at clementi and the chalet's at Pasir Ris. And now ur telling me that u stayed behind bcos u felt that it would make me happy. Yes it did, I enjoyed the night but not until now, u telling me u didn't actually want to stay. And now the deal's off, Im sad, I know I will move on, I have to anyway, but yet I was still looking forward to be with u for the final one month. Tak tau ape salah aku terhadap kau selama ini. I may have forgiven for the past. But for wat happened last friday till today, I won't forgive you. You know why. I dun want to be mean. I may have done sumthing, so I will take this as a learning lesson and as a retribution. But I hope u will get urs too. Sebusuk-busuk aku, I still have ppl ard me to lean on. U shud be glad u still hv ur mum. Take Care Eddy.

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

Its been a week or so since I last updated my blog. Been busy with life with more complicated issues than ever... prob after another but I still take them in.

Ive constipated for a week, but after my doc gave me some drinking solution to help me clear my bowels, I finally had my first motion at 8pm last night. Haha.. wat a topic. But yeah, it was torture. But that was the only time I passed, nothing more after dat. bummerz.

Me and Eddy met up last Friday, we went to my bestie's bday chalet. We had a great time together. We behaved just like any other couple would. We spent the night together. But I do admit, there were times wen my mind drifted off to someone else.

I'm confused. Fi had always been there for me way before Eddy and I got together. Everytime whenever I had an arguement with Eddy, Fi will be there, encouraging me, advicing me, and alwys reminding me to be patient, dat everything will be alright soon. So when I had this latest conflict with Eddy, as usual I turned to Fi again. As expected, he adviced me, kept on telling me to be patient. and when I told him abt the one mth deal that I had planned with Eddy, Fi kept on telling to go for it, life's a gamble, a risk that u have to take. U will never know wat will happen until u take the dive. And the only ppl who knew so much of my sufferings are my besties, Kak Aishah and Fi. Inlcuding Fi, I met these ppl almost everyday, nad they will get an update progress of situation between me and Eddy.

But as for my meeting with Fi, the more we meet up, whether its just the 2 of us, or with Ida & irfan, things are slowly beginning to change. We both know it, we both felt it. But we both know that its not right. Fi knows that I still love Eddy, I really do, even as I'm typing this, so he's not pushing things. At first I was afraid that this could be a rebound, and prolly won't last for long. But the longer I dragged it, the more I felt that I was only lying to myself.

Fi still assumes that I'm still going ahead for the 1 mth deal with Eddy. Wat he doesn't know that Eddy and I haven't bn in contact since last Saturday morning. When I called Eddy earlier today, he was still sleeping, and a few moments ago, I saw Eddy loggin into msn, I waited for him to msn me, which he didn't and finally he log out. I'm disappointed in Eddy. We agreed for this deal, and yet I've heard nothing from him. I feel so stupid for wanting him back badly.

Ppl are telling me to go for it with Fi, but take it slow, since I still Eddy & still recovering from the fall. Alas, Fi expressed his true feelings for me last night. It was really unexpected bcos, both of us had been holding it back.

Now dat Eddy is really fading away further from me, I guess I really ought to let him go. Fi ever hinted to me to take the risk with him... Maybe I shud get to know him better, give him a chance to show me who he really is. Somewhere in my heart, where Eddy still sits, I am still waiting for Eddy to call me and continue the 1 mth deal, but if there's nothing, why am I still waiting...? haiz... becos I still love him that why... somehow, I need to move on. And I hope and pray that Fi is not just a rebound for me.

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

I just rcvd an sms from you.... we can't meet tonight... ur stoopid Leonard on MC...again... Was looking forward.... but I'm not the slightest angry at you at all. Just disappointed... I only I could kill that Leonard... Grrr...

b.e.L.L.e

Let me whisper... I love you...

We both have now decided that we will end things. Soon, we will officially be singles., both you and I. As heartbroken as I can be, I realised that no amount of talking can bring us back together. Even tho u still admit that you love me. Something which I can never understand, is that how can 2 persons in love with each other, with nothing in between stopping them, can not be together. This is a question that I will always have, to which I know I will never have the answer for.

But I know now that you will stand firm to your decision, and for now, I'm contented enough that we will be together for the next one month. Even tho its just for a mth, I do hope that it will be enough to make up for all the misery that I've bn going thruout the past mth. And at the end of this 1 mth, I will be mentally prepared to let you go, mark my words. It may be hard esp, if both of us really enjoyed ourselves during this 1 mth. But at least I get to be happy for this 1 mth, instead of being miserable if I were to just let go now.

The 1 mth trial period (hahaa....) may have not yet started, but already I'm feeling the love that I've missed from you. I'll be meeting you tonight. But today, we are still frens... haha... I'm still sad, but, I'm gonna make the best of this situation, be happy that its just gonna be me & you. You promised you will make me happy during this 1 month. I promise that I will be happy.

Miss you much. Love you much more.

:::B.e.L.L.e:::

Let me whisper... I love you...