Finally, day one of Syawal has come & gone... It was nice to be out with family & relatives. But the whole event had started bad for me from the eve of syawal. Nevertheless, as always, I tried to be happy and hide away all the sadness in me.
Tapi ape kan daya, rasa sedih teramat sebak di dada. At my paternal granny's place, at first it was just eyes welling up with tears. But I guess I couldn't fight the tears back, I had to excuse myself and went to the kitchen to let them flow... Mum came in to talk to me, but I wouldn't want to worry her on such a meaningful day. Told her to talk abt it later and dat I just need to be alone. Even my dad saw me crying, so that means I have to explain to both parents...
2nd time it happened again, was wen I was at my maternal granny's sister place. Got a msg, which wasn't a pleasant one. Tried to fight the tears as we were sitting down watching tv & laughing... I was winning, doing well at not to let those tears flow like earlier. Tapi, aiyoh, kak aishah... the moment u asked me wats wrong with me... haha, it became waterfall... tried to hide away from my family & relatives, and I tot I did well to hide from them. But apparently, a few of them knew & notice that I had cried. I guess wen I look at one of the pics I had taken with my cousins, I realised that my eyes were swollen. I knew it had to come from all that crying...
It may be hard for u to make a decision. But its hard for me too, to be living in this kinda living. Many times I wanted to give up and let u go. But those many times, I am too weak to do so. Cos I love u so much. I want to give u all the time in the world, to slowly make ur decision as I don want to give u any pressure. But wat confuses me is that one moment u cud be telling me that u love & miss me, but the next moment u wld be avoiding me, or simply not replying my smses... u get angry & jealous wen someone wants to get to me. But u want to be fair and let me be. U get jealous & angry wen u heard dat a guy had wanted to ask me out for dinner. But den u tell me that u hv no right to be. Why bother to be bothered? Kenapa mesti nak hide or try to be fair or let me be when u actually care... ur only making both of us miserable... aren't u?
I'm not even sure if I shud just wait and let u decide. Or just let me decide for myself... it hurts to be waiting in pain... but it hurts more to decide myself. My own decision would hv meant that I need to let go of u voluntarily. It will hurt hell of a lot... But if I do wait, wat are the chances that we can ever be together again? U think ur the only one suffering and confused? Well think again my dear...
:::BeLLe:::
Let me whisper... I love you...