BeLLe & Kiddy FianTi

Exactly one week has past since first syawal. How fast time flies.

As time goes on, I'm missing you more den ever. It hurts. Missing you, and yet I can't have you. But each time I talked to you abt this, your answer will always be the same, "Time will cure..". Well, its not. I've bn missing u more and more. You assumed that I'm happy with my life now that I'm getting attention from other guys. You assumed wrong. These lips that smile everyday, this voice that rings with laughter each day, these eyes which lit up with joy at every possible moment, are all part of the mask. A mask that I'v e put on for cover for the misery I'm suffering. Look deep into my eyes and you see them longing for you. Listen hard to my heart beat and you hear it crying for you. I may have the attention fromthese guys, but wat I long for is to be back in your arms. Let me be in your arms and tell me that
I fit perfectly. I don't want to hear anything else...

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

Finally, day one of Syawal has come & gone... It was nice to be out with family & relatives. But the whole event had started bad for me from the eve of syawal. Nevertheless, as always, I tried to be happy and hide away all the sadness in me.

Tapi ape kan daya, rasa sedih teramat sebak di dada. At my paternal granny's place, at first it was just eyes welling up with tears. But I guess I couldn't fight the tears back, I had to excuse myself and went to the kitchen to let them flow... Mum came in to talk to me, but I wouldn't want to worry her on such a meaningful day. Told her to talk abt it later and dat I just need to be alone. Even my dad saw me crying, so that means I have to explain to both parents...

2nd time it happened again, was wen I was at my maternal granny's sister place. Got a msg, which wasn't a pleasant one. Tried to fight the tears as we were sitting down watching tv & laughing... I was winning, doing well at not to let those tears flow like earlier. Tapi, aiyoh, kak aishah... the moment u asked me wats wrong with me... haha, it became waterfall... tried to hide away from my family & relatives, and I tot I did well to hide from them. But apparently, a few of them knew & notice that I had cried. I guess wen I look at one of the pics I had taken with my cousins, I realised that my eyes were swollen. I knew it had to come from all that crying...

It may be hard for u to make a decision. But its hard for me too, to be living in this kinda living. Many times I wanted to give up and let u go. But those many times, I am too weak to do so. Cos I love u so much. I want to give u all the time in the world, to slowly make ur decision as I don want to give u any pressure. But wat confuses me is that one moment u cud be telling me that u love & miss me, but the next moment u wld be avoiding me, or simply not replying my smses... u get angry & jealous wen someone wants to get to me. But u want to be fair and let me be. U get jealous & angry wen u heard dat a guy had wanted to ask me out for dinner. But den u tell me that u hv no right to be. Why bother to be bothered? Kenapa mesti nak hide or try to be fair or let me be when u actually care... ur only making both of us miserable... aren't u?

I'm not even sure if I shud just wait and let u decide. Or just let me decide for myself... it hurts to be waiting in pain... but it hurts more to decide myself. My own decision would hv meant that I need to let go of u voluntarily. It will hurt hell of a lot... But if I do wait, wat are the chances that we can ever be together again? U think ur the only one suffering and confused? Well think again my dear...

:::BeLLe:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

Tmr is the last day for fasting, and the day after will be Hari Raya. It has not really sink in that hari raya is approaching. Wen I hear those good ol' songs, and the commercials on TV, it just seems to me just like another festive season. But I know very well that wen I hear the takbir bergemar tmr eve, den only reality will hit me...

Things haven't bn going on well for me since 1st day of fasting. Me and my guy broke up, got into a huge mess with our parents. There's bn so much pressure on me & my guy, driving us nuts at times. Ever since den, things haven't been going on so well for me.

I've got myself 5 new baju for this yr raya, but sadly only 2 fits perfectly. 2 of the other 3 dat don fit, was tailored made for me. However, body measuring was taken b4 fasting. So already I Wasn't eating much, but bcosof the probs I had in my r'ship, my appetite has gone down more. I can actually fit into 2 of my very old pair of jeans!!! well, dats the gd news lah. The bad news is that, I just realised today that wen I tried on the tailored baju, it was VERY loose. Sumthing which was made to be body hugging doesn't look good on you if there's so much of loose space here & there. And cos the day after is Raya, I dun think there'd be enough time for the tailor to alter the baju. Den one of the other baju, which was bought some time ago (which I hadn' t try on until today), well, the kain is kinda singkat... bummer... the thing abt standing at 1.7m is that sumtimes, u simply can't fit into a one size fits all kind of clothings... well, so now down with just 2 baju, but fortunately my baju from the previous years still fits....

At this point of time, I'm glad that I'm blessed with a happy home with my happy family and cat. But yet, as the festive is approaching, I still feel sumthing missing. Helping my mum clean the house for Raya has help me not to think much abt my situation with my bf now. I wonder how is he doing now.... Haven't heard from him the whole day today. Really miss him. Miss our time together... If he still doesn't call or sms me by Raya, I'll be sad. Very very sad... But I will need to put on a smile for my family & relatives... My cousins, uncles & aunties... I'm sure they will be looking forwards for my dumb jokes & funny acts, as much as I'm looking forward to hear the laughters... Just sumthing I do to make sure that ppl won't know how I'm actually feeling... that mask on this face. I pray to God that I will be strong enough to go thru the day. Just that one day...

B.e.L.L.e

Let me whisper... I love you...

Yeah! Its Friday and the weekend is here. Plus no half day for me tmr cause its a public holiday!!!

To my cousins, had a great time last night. Thanks to Bik Ida for the lovely dinner. Now just waiting for Iffa & Imma nye turn pulak treat us dinner.

Came upon Eddy's mum last night. Very unexpected since just the night b4 me & his mum were exchanging smses before breaking fast time. I was kinda glad to see her, and to see Putri, that young cute thing with curly black hair... haha...

Well, I'll be going over toEddy's place this weekend to send his mom some flowers that I've got for her... Hmm.. Eddy won't be there so kinda nervous...

:::B.e.L.L.e:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

With each moment that passes by
Never once I stop thinking abt you
For all those tears that I've cried
Each single drop is just for you
As each day turns to night
Every dream is all about you
For every fear that I fight
I fight with the strength from you
As each second ticks by
Never once have I stop missing you
And for all the time that I'm not doing the above
Never once have I stop loving you.

To my Dear D, if ever u get to read this, I would just want you to know that I am still waiting for you, no matter how long its gonna take. Right now, it just seems hard for me to move on without you, especially knowing how u still feel for me. Its hard enough for me to open up my heart to anyone else; you're still holding on to the key to my heart...

"Kiss me and you will see stars,
Love me and I will give them to you..."

:::b.e.L.L.e:::

Let me whisper... I love you...

Well here I am. Never tot that I would have a blog one day. But now I do. Why? Not sure why... Not that I lack frens to lend me a listening ear.. I have 4 great frens who r always there for me... that's one kind of love that I have for them...

Thanks to my 2 cuzzies, I've given birth to this blog. One thing's for sure, this blog will be all abt love, a lot abt love. May not be abt yours truly. But yes definitely abt love. Sumthing which is commonly expressed out there, but yet many times misinterpreted. Well, love itself has no exact definition. Wat love is, can only be understood by the two individuals in love with each other.

Question is - are you in love?

"to love is fine, but to be loved is the greatest feeling ever..."

Let me whisper... I love you...